Do Husbands Want Sex or Intimacy?

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Want better sex?

There, I have your attention. I do want to offer a way to improve sex within your marriage, but I have to warn you. It’s not what you’re expecting and takes more effort than other quick-fix methods out there. What I am writing about is not just a Christian idea; it’s supported by secular sex experts. In preparing for this article, I searched for a while and read multiple websites, trying to reveal what it is that men really want out of sex, out of their marriage. Interestingly, it’s very much the same thing that women want as well.

In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray explores ways to improve relationships, standing on the premise that men and women are different enough, it’s as if they are from different planets. What may be a completely positive gesture can be received by the opposite gender as an insult or threat.

“Honey, should we call a plumber to fix the sink?”

“Oh, because you don’t think I can do it?!”

“You look so pretty today!”

“And I didn’t look pretty yesterday?!”

This isn’t hard to believe, as different countries on our planet have different understandings of gestures and can have opposite meanings. In the US, two fingers held up means “peace,” but in the Middle East, it’s the equivalent of sticking up your middle finger. The same is true for the 3-finger “ok” sign in Germany and France, and a thumbs up in Nigeria. I’ll talk about this communication barrier more later, but it’s important to note that while Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus highlights the differences in each gender’s communication methods, the objectives and desires of both are not that different.

Intimacy. Every human wants it and needs it.

Intimacy can look different for different people. We want to be heard, valued, seen, and wanted, but a few searches will reveal that there are common intimacy factors that most agree on. We all need:

Emotional Intimacy

Everyone needs a safe harbor. You have a long day with all the children or have a stressful day at work. You could just be feeling down about something going on in your life. We need a safe person to whom we can communicate these feelings. Most of the time, that’s all we need; this is why the therapy business has grown so quickly in the last decade. People feel better when they talk aloud about their feelings. Ideally, this would be satisfied mostly through prayer and opening up to your spouse. Spouses, please realize the amount of power you hold in these moments. When your spouse has emotions to share, not pausing to focus on them can be detrimental to your relationship’s intimacy level. I know this is difficult. You may have your own emotions that need to be shared. I encourage you to find a way to set time aside for both of you to share. It may mean foregoing your sharing so they can. All intimacy requires a selfless posture.

Intellectual Intimacy

You know those moments when you realize you’ve been talking with someone for a few hours and haven’t run out of things to say? You found a topic or topics that you both enjoy and became friends. Marriage does not require that you have all of the same interests. If that saying, “opposites attract” is true, then you and your spouse most likely have little in common. Here’s the major difference. While hobbies and special interests may differ, you must try to show interest in each other’s interests…even if you fake it a bit. I know this sounds silly, but the phrase “can you tell me more about that” can exponentially increase your intimacy. A better saying to live by is “don’t be interesting, be interested.” Again, all intimacy requires selflessness. If you don’t have a common hobby, go find one. Explore. Play. Have fun together. Just find something to bond over.

Spiritual Intimacy

Here we go; one of the most important aspects of intimacy, if not the most important. It is simple: your marriage must be centered on God first, then each other. Think of a triangle with Him at the top and you and your spouse on the sides - the closer you are to Him, the closer you are to each other. You must be united as a couple so that you and your family will follow Christ and serve him with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Men, you must lead this endeavor. Study after study reveals that when the dad leads the family in their faith walk, it has eternal effects. Men, be the ones who champion going to church, worshipping, praying, and reading the Bible.

Physical Intimacy

We are finally here! I opened by asking if you want better sex. When researching and reading articles and improving intimacy, I was surprised at how many did not talk about anything related to the actual act of sex. None of them mentioned the best positions, toys, outfits, or bedroom fantasies. Can you guess what they all focused on? That’s right: the aforementioned types of intimacy. They offered tips related to each, like:

“Show genuine interest in your partner’s hobbies” (Intellectual intimacy)

“Be vulnerable” (emotional intimacy)

By improving in the other methods of intimacy, you will find your physical intimacy improving on its own, but only within holy matrimony. Physical intimacy carries such an effect, we are warned in 1 Corinthians 6:16 that having sex with anyone unites them and “the two will become one flesh.” When our identity is sown to multiple partners, we suffer consequences, both spiritually and physically.

One of the best lines from John Gray’s book is “Men are motivated when they feel needed, while women are motivated when they feel cherished.” This can be simplified to this: we all want to be enough. We go through life constantly trying to measure up to something. Men are competitive and want to succeed in sports, salary, and life, so we can feel some sort of validation that we are enough. Every male on the planet in the animal kingdom literally peacocks in an attempt to win over the approval of a mate. As cool as we try to play it, we want to be enough in the bedroom. Women are unfairly held to impossible standards. They must look a certain way, act a certain way, and behave a certain way, all while trying to be enough for their husbands.

Our natural human state as sinners means we have an impossible task—we will never be enough. As we are naturally, we aren’t enough for the world, our spouses and kids, or a relationship with God. That is why we must come to Christ first and accept Him as our Savior, because HE IS ENOUGH. Let that spread into every understanding of yourself, your life, your sin, your spouse, your successes, your failures. Once we accept the true meaning of His sacrifice, we alleviate ourselves of the burden to always be enough. Our spouses aren’t Jesus any more than we are, so we must extend them grace as well as receive grace in those moments the mark is not met.

When we adopt a posture of entitlement and withhold forgiveness, the seeds of adultery are planted. It’s the seemingly harmless conversation with another of the opposite gender into the night; it’s the vulnerable divulging of emotions with them; it’s the second glance at that lady that’s not your wife. This is what destroys intimacy with your spouse. If your spouse doesn’t fully satisfy every need, you are encouraged by the world to fill that void however you want with whoever you want. You must recognize what destroys intimacy so you can start building more with your spouse.

Selfishness

Selfishness destroys much, including your intimacy. When you put yourself first, you put your marriage last. Stop asking “What can my spouse do for me?” Flip the focus so each of you puts the other first. The beautiful covenant of marriage between a man and a woman emanates as a symbol of our relationship with God.

Godlessness

Without God at the head, any marriage, regardless of intimacy, will struggle. Without your faith guiding you, you will not be able to guide your family. Men, you must prioritize Christ in your household.

Lies

Ephesians 5:3 instructs us that we must not let even a hint of sexual immorality or impurity remain in our lives. Jesus, in hyperbole, says if any part of our body sins, we should cut it off. Whatever you are using to numb any pain or fill any void has to stop. Secret sin is cancerous and will only erode any intimacy you may be trying to build.

We all want intimacy. Intimacy will increase when we prioritize emotional intimacy through vulnerability with each other. Bonding through shared experiences, hobbies, or simply talking builds intellectual intimacy. Finally, we are united behind our ultimate leader, our Father who is in Heaven. Hallowed be His name. Next time you enjoy physical time with your spouse, you will enjoy better physical intimacy.

Men and women may have different expectations and communication habits. We can misinterpret intentions, which causes fights. Just remember, all of it is in pursuit of building intimacy. Extend grace, receive grace, and enjoy that better sex.

Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is encouraging others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for Your Nightly Prayer, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, Your Daily Prayer, and more. She has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com, Biblestudytools.com, and Christianity.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God's Heart of Love for Mommas, alongside her husband’s companion devotional, Shepherd. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.