5 Foundations Christian Newlyweds Should Build for a Lasting Marriage

1. Your Spouse Doesn't Complete You

One of the mistakes we can make when trying to find someone to spend our lives with is looking for someone who we think will complete us. We should look for someone who complements us, but another person will never make us whole. We learned that very quickly in our first couple of months as a married couple. My husband and I both fell short of some of the expectations we had for each other. We had to work through this right away and learn that the only one who can complete us is Jesus.

There will be gaps in our marriages because we are all imperfect humans. The only one who can fill in those gaps is Jesus. He is who our soul longs for. We can be fooled into believing that when we find that special person, everything we need is in them. Eventually, we are disappointed with reality and might begin to resent our spouse. If we realize that our spouse does not complete us from the beginning, we will be so much better off. I am so grateful that I have learned not to put that expectation on my husband, and instead rely on Jesus to be all that I need.

2. Bring Jesus into Your Relationship

If we know Jesus, one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to include him in it. From experience, I know it is hard to do everything in my marriage alone. When I allow Jesus into my marriage and ask him to help me with whatever I need, things tend to go much better. He helps me be kind to my spouse and know when I need to apologize for something I have done wrong. He has been the glue that holds our marriage together and helps us do the work we need to do. Making Jesus the most important one in my life makes me a much better wife. That way, I am relying on Jesus for only what he can give me, and then I go to my spouse.

3. You Are on the Same Team

One of the most important things to remember in our marriages is that we are on the same team. We are not against each other or competing with one another. Jealousy, pride, or envy can sometimes creep in for various reasons, making it feel like you are against each other. This ends up hurting our marriages because we aren't believing the best about the person we married. It is important to work through the issue and get back to being on the same team again. Life is hard enough to walk through; it gets even harder if you feel like your spouse is against you.

Choose each day to see the best in your spouse. Be aware of any negative thoughts or feelings that you may have toward them, and deal with them if you need to. Talk with your spouse and tell them what is bothering you. Communicating is so important if things are feeling off. That has been one of the things I wish we had learned right away and learned to do more effectively. Many problems could have been solved earlier if we had remembered to communicate and stay on the same team. If we can do this well together, we will have someone there to walk with us through the valleys when we experience them. I am so grateful for the times when my husband was strong when I wasn't, and I'm sure he would say the same thing about me being strong when he was unable to be. This is why it is so great to live life as a team.

4. Choose to Love Each Day

Our society is obsessed with the feeling of being in love. The problem with this is that when the feelings run out, people think the relationship is over. We claim to have fallen out of love in the same way we fell into it. This isn't what love is at all. It is not a fleeting feeling; it is a choice people make each day. Somehow, we can still make the mistake of making it about the feelings and not the choice to love each day.

If we need an example to follow, we can look at Jesus. He shows us what love looks like and what it means to do it well. His love is sacrificial, kind, puts others first, looks out for others, and wants the best for us. Learn to love like Jesus does. Your marriage will flourish, and so will you. This is one foundation that we for sure want to build our marriage upon.

5. Make Room for Imperfections

As humans, we are made in the image of God, but we are not perfect like He is. It can be easy to assume that our spouse will be perfect, but we will discover this is not the case. We end up disappointed and possibly resentful of them because we believed they were something they're not. Leave room for the imperfections of your spouse. If we do this, we have a much healthier perspective of who our spouse is. Overlooking an offense will be easier since we know that they are not perfect in the first place. We leave the perfection to Jesus himself, and our spouse is exactly where they should be—not up on a pedestal but right where we are at the foot of the cross.

Marriage can be such a wonderful thing if we are willing to do the work, have the right perspective, and build it upon a solid foundation. We will do ourselves a favor if each one of these things is included in our marriage.

I wish I had known the importance of these foundations before I got married. It may not have solved every problem we had, but it would have given us a good place to start. There may be even more foundations that others who have been married for an extended period would include on this list. If there are marriages that you want to model yours after, ask for their advice. See what they would do differently when they were first married. We don't take advantage enough of those who have gone before us, and have the wisdom that only time gives. Ask others what has worked for them, and what hasn't. You might be surprised at what they share.

Above all, Jesus should be the ultimate foundation on which we build our marriage. He is the source of all good things. He is the constant we need when things are always changing around us. Invite him to be part of your marriage and rely on him to bless it. Make him first in your life before your marriage, and all the rest falls into place. Don't do it without him.

A Prayer for Our Marriages

Jesus, I lift our marriages to you in prayer, especially the ones who are just starting on this journey together. Give us what we need to make our marriages last for the long haul. Help us rely on you, because you are the one who gives us the ability to do all things. Help us consider each one of these foundations, and apply them as we need to. Our marriages can be a beautiful example of Jesus and his relationship with the church. Teach us to love like you and serve our spouse like you would want us to. We love you, Lord, and want our marriages to glorify you. Amen.